All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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Very good! 👍😂
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.