All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Just me?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.