All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
happy halloween
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Heroic Misunderstanding
RT if you know someone like this!!!
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.