All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.