All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
