All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
necessity is the mother of invention
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here