All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)