All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
You Might Also Like
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding