All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank