All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man