All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
opening twitter today
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go