All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection