All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
kevin is now a local weatherman
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware