all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement