Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.