all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*