all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You Might Also Like
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
when dads have a rap battle
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”