all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
