all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.