All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
His flabber was gasted 😂
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.