All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Yup!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
accurate
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’m literally crying
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*