@adamlucidi: All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.
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@Cheeseboy22: Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, "Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.
@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.