Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING