We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[girl points at my scar]
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.