@BigBagOfScum

All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.

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@RowdyBowden

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

@LizHackett

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

@goldengateblond

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

@SortaBad

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

@NicestHippo

[girl points at my scar]
What happened?
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@copymama

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.