I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.