All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
pain
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.