All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Make me look younger
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?