Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Midwest trash talk

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.