“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking