@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

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@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

@lawbsterfest

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

@WildeThingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@Skoogeth

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

@PayMeInTacos

Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.

@rickolantern

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket