Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Holy moly
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Monday Lisa
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.