All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

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Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.


Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.


THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.


Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”


[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up


me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what


Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.


Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket