Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?