Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.