Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.