Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me