Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I like donuts.

Twitter:

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys