All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
You Might Also Like
Peace was never an option
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My favorite farside!!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.