All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk