All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

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Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop


Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’


Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.


I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.


Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.


Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is


Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window