All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.