All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
man i love columbo
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
plant them where lol
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Bro what is this
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.