Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

Based Erika

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

The first one, obviously

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

dude it’s called proctologist

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that