All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
You Might Also Like
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?