All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Matthew was born for this.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture