All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus