Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

is this a threat

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.