All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream