All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
O Wise One….
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day