Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

also my go-to takeaway order

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine