All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
What do you hear?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.