All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’