All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The Others (2001)
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Cool shirt 🙂
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I will never stop laughing at this
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.