Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam