All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.