Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

japanese corn

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.