Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.