Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.