Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds