All my small talk is done with a car horn.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
hand it over!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.