All my small talk is done with a car horn.
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If a snake ate a cake
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.