All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
You Might Also Like
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
