Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Wise advice

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house