Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Camping tip: No.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

getting groceries

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy