Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

😂

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.