Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.