All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.