All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
BETRAYAL
