All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
what?
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
🖕🏻👽
Pickled cat.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.