All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You Might Also Like
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I was bored.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Dishonest mechanic?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Lassie, get help!
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Sounds like a real hoot.
