All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Stop.
