Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Writing, She Murdered.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.