All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Is this anything
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
the official breakfast of 2021
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.