Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

I’m confused about plants

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?