Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

*cough*

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.